Potty Post

If you are a mom, you already know this. If you are not a mom, well then FYI: when you have kids, there is no more privacy when you pee.

It all starts innocently enough. When they are babies, you don’t want to leave them out of your sight for even a split second, so you “hold it” until nap time, but then there inevitably comes that day when you really gotta’ go, so you bring baby with you. What difference does it make? Babies don’t know what’s going on. As they get bigger, you can go by yourself and leave the toddler occupied with a pile of toys, but you MUST leave the door open so you can keep your ears tuned in case something happens. What difference does it make? You are the only two in the house. Then, as toddler becomes pre-schooler, just when it is finally safe to close the door and be alone for a few minutes when Daddy is home, SURPRISE, in they barge, mid-stream! Why not lock the door you say? Well, you see, their tiny little ears have super-sonic hearing, and somehow, from anywhere in the house, they can hear the slightest little clink that sounds when you turn the lock on the bathroom door. That little sound signals them like they are on the SWAT team and their captain is shouting SWARM, SWARM, SWARM. They attack the door, pounding and screaming as if you had abandoned them for life! So, let’s just say, to keep the peace the door is better left unlocked. That being said, I am always prepared for the barge-in.

So, of course, Sunday afternoon, I am in the bathroom, mid-stream, when Camden exhuberently throws the door wide open. Our conversation went like this:
Camden: “What are you doing, Mommy?”

Me in my head in an exasperated tone: “What does it look like I’m doing?!”
Me out loud, sweetly: “I’m peeing, Camden.”

Camden: “No Mommy, you have to stand up and go pee-pee like a big boy.”

Okay, no problem, I can think quickly.
Me: “Well, no…see, uh, yeah, well… I am a girl, so I have to sit when I go pee-pee.”

Camden “No Mommy, you should stand, ‘cuz then your pee-pee [the body part, not the liquid] can point in the potty and you can go pee-pee.”

Me: Well, no, my pee-pee [again, body part] is different because I am a girl. Girls have different pee-pees, so they have to sit down on the potty.” (As you can tell, we do not use technical terms for body parts in our house – I am all for the euphemisms)

Surprisingly enough, he seemed very satisfied with that answer and matter-of-factly said,” Okay, Mommy,” and left the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Then, later that evening he was reminded of our earlier conversation upon his nightly pee-pee inspection in the bathtub and he wanted to reiterate, just to make sure he was clear on everything.

Camden: “Mommy, you sit down when you go pee-pee ‘cuz your pee-pee is different ‘cuz you’re a GRILL?

Me: “Yes Camden, my pee-pee is different because I cook hamburgers and barbecued chicken.”

Okay, so my feable attempt at humor was lost on his two-year-old mind. At least I made myself laugh.